You Hung The Moon and Captured My Heart.

2011-01-26T14:34:00.000-04:00

A storm is coming

2011-01-26T14:22:00.004-04:00

And I don't just mean the one that is forecast for tomorrow. I mean the one that is going to happen in this apartment. The beans dad and I are heading in a direction that's not really good. We had our first really bad fight the other night. It's been a long time since we had one. Basically we both told each other where the door was if the other wasn't happy. I'm not leaving, he can go if he wants but he will not be taking MY son. So right now we are staying put. But if things don't change and I mean really change, he can go.

See we have been together now for 12 years, we are NOT married and we never will be. This way it's less paper work if I decided I want to leave. He will have to always pay for his son he won't get away from that. But I need a partner that is going to help me raise my son not just growl at him because he's not doing what he thinks that he should.

I don't think that it helps that we have been sick for 2 weeks and the job interview that he went on didn't pan out. I know that he's under stress about that but if he would have listened to me months ago and started to look for work instead of riding out his unemployment enjoyment we wouldn't be in this mess.

Ah life what to do?
One of these days I might just be able to figure it out.
But right now... Life Sucks... Tomorrow has to be better.

Ugggg...

2011-01-18T17:26:00.002-04:00

So here we are it's a new year and I'm still dealing with the old crap. No matter what I do I will always be on the outs with someone. I have a habit of pissing people off without even trying. Take this one for an example. I missed my dad's birthday due to the fact that little man was up at 4 am and stayed up for the entire day. He was cranky, I was cranky and I know that meltdowns would be all over the place. People who don't live with a child with ASD have no idea what it is like. I can tell you but until you live in my apartment and are woken up by a child crying and you don't know why then you don't know.

I have been told that I am ungrateful because of all the things that my parents do for me. The very least that I could do was show up at a birthday dinner. It's not like we don't do this once or more a freaking month. I really can't take much more from that front.

To top it off Bean's dad is still looking for work and he will soon be out of Unemploment Insurance which leaves us screwed. He's gone on interviews but no call backs. All I can do is hope and pray that something will happen soon or god help me I'm going to have to do something that I never wanted to do.

Why is it that some people can fall in a pile of shit and come out smelling like a rose, and I fall in it and almost choke to death on the peanuts?

The Old, The New and the WTF?

2010-11-18T15:00:00.003-04:00

So where do I start?
The old... we are potty training again which has been going pretty good over the past week. We haven't had any accidents and I haven't been using the reward system. I don't like doing that with the bean just because he become dependent on it and I have to break that habit as well. Which in turn drives me half outta my mind. My goal for him is to be trained by Christmas. If we make it that will be his Christmas gift to me. I just want to see him succeed at the training. He's 5 now and if he has to wear pull ups at night I can live with that. It's just having to change him when we are out in public and I don't want him to start school next year in a pull up. He has a hard enough road with ASD he doesn't need to be the kid in the diaper too.

The New... Today we went for a walk and it's pretty windy out so The Bean was in his winter coat and boots. As soon as we came through the door he took off his coat, boots and socks. I was in the kitchen getting lunch ready and the next thing I know he has all of his clothes off and is wiggling outta the pull up. He brought it to me and I threw it away, but I had to con him into putting on some under wear. That has been the big fight with him lately to put the underwear on. Thankfully I had his favorite snack in the house and he really wanted it so on went the underwear. 5 hours later they are still on.

The WTF?... We have one of the strangest behaviors yet to deal with now. When The Bean watches a program for the first time it's no problem at all but the second and third he knows where the parts of the movie are that he doesn't like so he puts his hands over his ears and hums so he doesn't have to hear them. I have been putting them on mute just to see if he notices or not. Sometime he does and others no. I don't know what to do with this at all and the helpful "team" of people that we have doesn't either. I just wish that someone could tell me what to do and it would work with him. But because all kids are different we have to just keep trying.

This also fall under the we can't go to the grocery store, walmart or any other place where there will be a large amount of children or I will be dealing with a full on melt down which leaves me so frazzled that I forget what I'm there for. When he hears another child yell he meltsdown and that even happens with his playgroup. Twice a week he will scream and be upset for 2 hours, I can't do anything to help because I'm on the other side of the 2 way mirror and I have to watch while the "professionals" work with my child.

It hurts like hell that I can't make this better for him and I can't protect him from the one thing that makes him hurt the most.

It breaks my heart knowing that for the rest of his life things are going to be so hard for him. Our Normal isn't the same as others and when The Bean is with me and so is my mum and he starts with the meltdown she trys to reason with him. It doesn't work, you really would be better off talking to the wall but she tries.

My life is crazy, and stressful but any one with kids knows what I'm talking about.

Rain... still

2010-11-08T09:49:00.004-04:00

It's been raining for 5 days now, and I think that the Bean is going shack wacky. I did manage to get him out for a little drive yesterday with my mum. But that was only for about 45 mins. He heard a child yelling when we were at the grocery store so of course he wanted to come home with his daddy where it is safe. I know that one of these days I will be able to take him out without the melt downs that happen now.

The only thing about being locked in for so long is that I don't get out for my walk, which isn't good because of having diabetes I need to excersise. I really miss it when I can't do it. The weather person said that we should see some clearing by Thursday.

The Bean won't be happy tomorrow as he goes back to school. Well Preschool for special needs. I really have a hard time with him not wanting to go. But I make him go and that makes me the bad one but I know that by pushing ones of these days it will pay off.

I think that I will have him help me with the laundry soon. I am waiting for a delivery, test strips for my diabetes. Long story, I answered what I thought would be another solicitor phone call on Friday only to have it be the people that make my blood testing monitor. Well after doing a survey I told the lady that my strips had stopped working 10 days before they were to expire. So after talking to a tech we fixed the monitor and they are sending me out some test strips free. I just have to wait for them to get here today.

Well the daddy got another call about work, he just has to call them back and see what it's about. Really I don't think that he want's to go back to work at all but he has too and I would really like to go to work as well but I'm not sure how I'm suppose to work around the bean's schedule. One of these day's I will figure it out.

It's Raining... again.

2010-10-16T10:42:00.004-03:00

So we have been having heavy rain now for 2 days straight and from what I understand the rest of the weekend as well. That means that I have to find something for the bean to do today. He's stuck in this rut as bad as I am. His daddy is taking another nap! Which is normal for him to do everyday. Since being laid off over a year ago he's gotten into his own rut. Which he needs to get out of soon.

The bean hasn't been out side to play for a couple of days so now he's starting to go shack wacky. I might have him help me do some laundry just so he can run up and down the hallways.

He doesn't know that he's going back to "school" next week but every day he says at the least No School today to which we answer NOPE!

We have only been up 5 hours and have had at least 3 fights, potty time, breakfast and what to play.

I'm sure by the end of the day we will have fought 10 more times.

Oh well such is the life of a child with ASD!

In a rut...

2010-10-15T14:23:00.005-03:00

It seems like we have fallen into a rut around here. Since I pulled The Bean outta preschool twice a week because of the last major meltdown/panic attack he had we have been doing the same thing day in and day out. It's normal for Autistic's to want to follow the same patterns over and over but it sometimes becomes too much.

We go through the same thing with food, that is when he wants to eat. He used to take his one a day vitamin no problem now he's fighting me about it every day. So what are we doing taking a break for now and starting again next week.

It seems like everything is one step forward and 5 steps back. But all we can do is keep trying to move forward we will get where we are going sometime.

So next week we will be going back to preschool so we can get outta this rut, I know that we will be having melt downs and fits. I have a plan for that, it seems like I've made more plans in the past few years so we know what to do. Like not making the bean wait around for things to begin and when he gets there to have him engaged in something so we don't have to deal with the meltdown that will come.

I keep telling myself that one of these days life will become some what easier. I hope.

But then all I have is Hope and as long as I have hope I know that I can deal with the rut.

Happy Flippin' Thanksgiving

2010-10-10T17:13:00.003-03:00

If having a child with autism isn't hard enough... add in the fact that his father hates my father and flat out refuses to spend any holidays there. So what happens, I go to everything by myself. He even frigged off half way through the beans birthday with his mother and aunt.

I'm getting tired of it. So tried, it takes alot outta me dealing with the bean that I don't have alot to give to his father. But when this crap happens time and again he can't figure out why I flat out refuse to go to his parents for any thing. I can't even have a private conversation with my friends on the phone.

So here we go around again with more holidays coming up. If something doesn't change then we will become part of the stats. And our bean will be raised in 2 different homes.

Saturday Blues...

2010-10-02T10:58:00.003-03:00

So here it is Saturday, which used to be the funnest day of the week when I was a kid. Now it's just the day of the week where there is more house work then time. To top it all off, the Bean, myself and his daddy are all sick and it's raining. So really my get up and go has got up and went but it really forgot to take me with it.

We have to work on some speech soon and do lunch but really all I want to do is take a nap... oh naps how I miss you! The bean gave them up a couple of years ago. The saddest time ever is when your baby gives up napping that means you haven't got that break in the middle of the day. On the other hand it does mean that they go to bed earlier at night which is a bonus.

The big thing today is the yelling that is going on out side. Every time Beans hears it he sets off which means I have to close all of the windows and on this stuffy type of day it's killer in here. So as it stands right now this problem with hearing other children yell is the hardest one for us to try and concore we don't know why he has this fear but we keep trying to help him through it.

I guess it didn't help that he's an only child and that alot of these noises are new for him but at 5 they aren't that new. The professionals keep telling me it's because children his age and younger are so unpredictable. I think that they are full of crap, I think that it's because it really does hurt the beans ears. SO off we go again to visit with the audiologist. Which will be a trip to hell and back I know this.

Why does Autism have to be such a hateful disease I will never know. I just know that I need to get all the help that I can for my son, even if most of the people I deal with are dipshits.

From the start I worried.

2010-10-01T15:58:00.004-03:00

From the very start I have worried. Worried that you weren't growing well when I was pregnant. Worried because of a single umbilical vessel that could lead to so many problems. I was worried that you would come early and you did. I worried when they told me you had jaundice and were tongue tied and we would have to say in the hospital for 5 days.

I worried when we got home from the hospital to find out that we had to move in 2 weeks. And then we ended up living with my parents for 6 weeks. I worried because you didn't cry for food but growled and then you would shake for no reason. They told me it was because you didn't have time to fully develop your nervous system and it would go away with time and it did. I was scared to death when at 8 months old you had the chicken pox and didn't cry. I worried every time we would go out and you would stare up at the fans or the lights in the ceiling. I worried when you didn't start to talk on time. But you did learn to crawl and walk on time so I didn't worry then or when you would eat everything that I gave you.

I nearly lost my mind when at 14 month you had to have surgery for a hydracyle repair. When you weren't talking or looking at me when I called you by name I was going through a new worry. Then I started to talk to people, and I knew that this wasn't right at all. That is when we did the hearing test and no you weren't deaf. Then I knew for sure what was wrong but really didn't want to admit it to myself. Autism.

Then we were on to an entire new set of worries. Would you ever talk? Would you ever learn to sleep alone? Would you ever learn to use the bathroom? Would you ever... be able to live on your own?

Then we get the first initial diagnosis Autism... but right at this time we were worried because just 2 months before your 3rd birthday and 3 days after this news you ended up in the hospital because of cold sores. We were there for a week and had to deal with pain, dehydration and you not eating. If you didn't start to eat then you would have a feeding tube. Thank goodness for goldfish crackers they saved us from that. Now we worry because you only eat a few things and not enough.

We had to wait to get the formal diagnosis, 8 long months. Then speech therapy, Early Intensive behavior interventions and more colds and flu than we can shake a stick at. Now you have a chipped tooth from mouthing... you have an irrational fear of going to the dentist, doctor, small children, sounds of small children and birds.

Life as we know it will never be the same, yes I knew that I would worry when I was pregnant with you... Now I worry every day FOR you.

Don't Judge

2009-07-30T12:54:00.000-03:00

As a parent of a 3 year old I knew that there would come a day when temper tantrums would be come an issue. The thing is my 3 year old tantrums are not your norm, he can reach a level of screaming that can make your ears bleed.

Why do you ask yourself as you shop in the store can't that parent keep that kid quiet. Well lets see, if I could I really would it doesn't make for a great shopping experience for me either but I can't give into these little fits or they will become even more frequent and I don't really care to have that happen. So as the ear splitting level of noise becomes more frequent because I won't stop and pick up the toy of choice or the chocolate bar of the moment, I'm actually teaching my child that because you act this way you don't get what you want... but also I'm teaching him that if you don't use your words you don't get what you want either.

But there is one other lesson that I'm teaching, it's to you the one that is judging me on my parenting skills.. that you should never judge what you don't know as not only am I the parent of THAT Screaming Brat.... I'm the parent of an Autistic Child who doesn't have all the words that he needs to tell us what he wants.

So on we go...

2009-03-27T22:44:00.000-03:00

So here we are a month later (or so) things have been going on so fast for my bean. So many appointments and visits. So many new thing for us to learn as a family. We are starting to get it and put things into play.

Getting bean settled into a different routine is hard, but I know that it will come. After a week of dealing with the norwalk virus all is now well in our world... for the moment.

One of THOSE Days...

2009-02-26T22:10:00.002-04:00

I guess that I haven't really let myself come to terms with alot of thing that involve the bean. I feel alot of guilt about him having Autism. I know that there is nothing that I could have done differently but I'm his mom and I'm suppose to protect him and make sure that every thing is perfect and that he has the best life ever.

But I didn't, I couldn't and I had no control over this. But he's my only child, and I know that he's going to have a hard life because of all of this. It breaks my heart sometimes. I know that there isn't anything that I could have done... and the only thing that I can do is all that I can to make sure that he has every possible advantage for a great life.

I feel a bit better getting this out, now I think that I will finish my cry and go on with my evening.

And the journey begins...

2009-02-18T16:17:00.005-04:00

After waiting for what seems like forever we have the official diagnosis the Bean is Autistic. Not that it surprises me or his daddy but it does offer a kind of relief to know for sure and now we know what we have to start to do to get thing rolling for him.

So now our Journey is really starting down a road that we didn't expect. I'm sure that I will start to blog more about things... my frustrations and my Bean's gains.

Deep breathe in ... and exhale.
He's the same child today as he was yesterday and the day that he was born.
And loved just the same.

This is the week!

2009-01-24T14:37:00.002-04:00

So this is the big week, we have our appointment with the specialist at the hospital this week so we will find out just how sever the Bean's Autism is. I have had alot of appointments over the last few weeks with him and his daddy.

Some times I feel so overwhelmed with everything. We had a problem with the fellow that lives down stairs this week, but that is an entire different story. I just can't wait for this week to be over and done with just so I know where things are going.

Another big change coming to the home front.. we are going to be leaving the crib and joining the world of the big boy beds. Should be a week from hell!

We did put the chain on the door since The Bean figured out how to open the door. And I took the dresser out of his bed room since he decided that he wanted to climb in that.

Life is so much different then I thought that it was going to be, but I'm loving it as much as it frustrates me.

Something as simple as soup..

2008-12-18T12:28:00.001-04:00

At lunch time it's the hardest thing to figure out what to give the Bean to eat. Today it's Mega noodle chicken soup by Campbell's. And the dear sweet little boy is eating it, minus the liquid but he's eating something different for a change and he's having a cheese bun with it.

After the morning we just had shopping and the meltdown that ensued I'm brought to tears watching my Bean eat something that every other kid in the world has no problem with.

Who knew something as simple as soup could make me so happy.

What may never be...

2008-12-17T21:49:00.002-04:00

As I sit here tonight and have some quiet time to my self I have been thinking of the future and what may never be. It's really upsetting to think this way and I know that I really shouldn't but I've gone there and I might as well get it out.

As I sit and think about what I wanted for my son Autism was never one of them. I thought that he would be what ever he wanted to be, play with all of the kids and be part of the gang grow up have girlfriends get married and have kids of his own. That may never happen and that makes me so sad.

The world that I wanted for him may never exist, I don't know only time will tell. But then again he may surprise me just one more time.
He did when I got pregnant with him, he did when he made it through that horrible ordeal with my pre eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome, having to spend a week under the lights for photo therapy, then there have been the surgeries and trips to the hospital. He has surprised me each and every time.

He's a strong willed little boy, the light of my life and this is the road less traveled and sometimes I really wished that this road had been boarded off and we were never steered down it... but here we are on this bumpy dirt ride and there is NO way to get off of it. But I do see the light each and every time I look deep into those sweet brown eyes with the beautiful smile.

What may never be... and what could have been are now gone.
It is WHAT IS that matters now.

I feel the need to wring a neck...

2008-12-11T10:54:00.003-04:00

The one that my brother's head sits upon!

The little dingbat decided to give me a call this morning to ask me if I would like to come to his house this evening for supper with all the family for my parents anniversary. Which isn't such a good thing for me right now because The Daddy has to go to work early tonight and The Beaner goes to bed between 7 and 7:30 not to mention... there is enough rain out there to start a monsoon and well when it gets dark out it's going to turn to black ice. One of the perils of living on the east coast of Canada in the winter time.

SO ... thanks for the call .... now get over here so I can string you up for waking me and my son up when I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE SLEPT IN TODAY!

Another Day Goes By..

2008-12-09T20:05:00.003-04:00

So another day is coming to an end. I'm waiting to watch The Tudor's here in a bit. The bean is in bed and so is his daddy so I'm sitting here with a little bit of time on my hands. Which is something that I do enjoy.

So the great debate about weather we are going to have a real of fake tree is now at an end. We will be getting a new fake tree this weekend to put up. It just make some strange scents to me to do it this way. I know that it's better for the environment to go with a real tree because that can be recycled and the fake ones can't, but when you have a child that is 3 and you know he's not going to leave the tree alone do you really want to be cleaning up water from the tree as well as the needles? I know that I don't want to go there. So fake it will be!

So about a month ago me and the daddy were sitting here in the living room and I saw something from the corner of my eye. Well my eyes play tricks on me from time to time so I didn't make anything of it until it happened again a few days later and I saw what it was... a little field mouse. Now that's nothing huge but we live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. So I freaked out a bit and got some traps for him. Well Henry (as I call him now) managed to get past the traps. I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks and then last week he was back and this time he did a runner across the floor for Daddy to see.... Well you would have thought that it was a huge rat or something. He had me call the super about it so we could have the exterminators come in, well the never did make it here they missed the appointment and I told the super not to worry about it because Henry hasn't been around since that night. To find out that he had been two timing on me with a tenant downstairs so I think that Henry met with his own dastardly end... I really should have called it Anne.

If the world were a potato...

2008-12-08T19:52:00.002-04:00

Then my son would eat it.

My goodness the Bean is going to drive me insane with his eating. He will not eat anything that is of any nutritional value. Which means he pretty much lives on potatoes why you ask because they are "white" and safe. It is the only thing that his daddy and I can figure out. He will not eat anything cold, which means no ice cream or popcycles when he is sick, the only way that I can get him to eat an egg is if I make french toast. With pancakes I add bran to it so I know that he is getting some fiber that way and he will sometimes when he feels like it eat peaches. Lunch can drive me as crazy as suppers. I don't know what to do any more. Aside from standing on my head which I would do if it meant that he would eat what I put in front of him.

I am lucky that he will eat a gummy vitamin that is a major bonus. And he does drink alot of full fat milk and apple juice.

I would love any ideas that would help with this.

Parents... Oh why bother

2008-12-08T09:58:00.002-04:00

I have pretty much had it with my parents right now.
It seems that every time that I call they are to busy with the other grandkido's... hells bells they don't even ask how the bean is doing unless I tell them.

So why do I bother?
I don't know, it's not like I had the best of childhoods. To hear my mother talk about it now you would think that everything was peachy keen... she must have forgot. I can't even say that it's old age because she's only 54 yes she had me at 17 and she was from the age of hitting and yes I got it alot.

So why do I get upset about them not taking an interest in my son?
I don't know why I want to make them happy.
I don't know.

It's not that I'm jealous I just feel like he gets left out all the time. There are 2 other kidlets that were born after him and they get all the attention. Mine gets left out all the time much like me and his dad.

Oh well, My Parents are my mess and I'm not going to let them influence my son's life.... so why bother letting it get me down.

If I could oh how I would..

2008-12-08T01:09:00.004-04:00

There are days when I swear that I am going to lose my mind. As much as I love the Bean and his daddy, they both drive me crazy.

I'm still trying to finish off the Christmas stuff. Not going very well since I have no idea what to get for who and where I'm going to get it from.

Then I finally get the call that I have been waiting for since July... My Bean has an official appointment with the Autism team this is the best news that I have had in for ever. Mind you I had to call and be a nice pushy about getting him in. I swear that it is harder to get into this clinic then it is to win the lotto. But oh how good it feels to have some light coming my way.

There are days though that I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away Oh if I could. We wouldn't be in this spot and my son... well I wouldn't be so afraid for him. I know that I shouldn't be this afraid of things but I guess that it's part of the process of learning how to deal with every thing. It's hard, it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to learn to do. Be a mom to a son with Autism. Unless you are one, you have no idea what it feels like.

My own mother has no idea, she thinks that she does.
Most of my family treat the bean different then the rest of the kids. Heck they won't let me tell the rest of the kids that he is Autistic I don't know if that is a good idea or not. I haven't told alot of people IRL. They don't seem to understand. They nod there heads make a clucking sound and tell me that I can handle it and he'll be ok.

I know that he will be okay. I'll make sure of that.

Sick, Sick and a peanut butter sandwich.

2008-09-25T12:12:00.004-03:00

So we have been hit with the flu bug around here. It was just a matter of time. Since everyone else in the family has it and we were all together over the past weekend for the little dude's 3rd birthday. Which didn't end up going over as well as it should have but as usual there is always someone that is ready to ruin the day for my family and this year was no exception. It seems that even when you get older the middle child syndrome never goes away. You guessed it, my middle sister was the one with the bug up her butt.

I have just come to realize that I have so much of my own stuff to deal with on a day to day basis that I'm not going to get myself caught up in this nonsense any more. My focus is on my family and the extended part of them can come and go as they please. My son is the one who needs all of my attention not foolish, petty people.

So on Sunday morning the little dude started to get sick and I mean sick, he vomited all over the place and myself as well. Once we got that under control and him being able to keep fluids down he wanted a peanut butter sandwich at 1 am, so I gave him one. He looked up at me with these sad, tired brown eyes of his and said OH OH! and not even 3 mins later up came the sandwich. After a terrible nights sleep with him, the next day he wouldn't stop eating so that part had passed now his dad and I have it and he's got a small cough I think from getting sick.

So it's another day with the sicko's around here and the mess that never seems to end... but I will come back to that when I'm feeling a bit better.

Hard days... Cool nights

2008-09-16T21:19:00.004-03:00

Well the nights are now nice and cool and great for sleeping. Which seem like I can never get enough of. I just seem to wind down enough to go to sleep and the little man is back up and at it again.

Today was a very hard day for us. It seem like he wanted to be into every thing and didn't want to clean anything up. You see he lives to throw everything on the floor. Now it's getting even worse since he figured out how to open doors. Everything that was on top of his dresser is now on the floor because he takes toys and climbs on them until he can reach. I'm at my wits end tonight I know that most kids go through this and that if you correct them they do catch on... no my son. I don't know how many times I've told him what he's done is wrong, taken things away and put him in timeout... Nothing works.

I just know that I'm going to have another day of the same tomorrow and I don't know what to do. This is not a good night for me, there are days when I wish that things were different. I know that they never will be and that this is the hand that we were dealt. I do love my son with all my heart and soul. He's my pride and joy it's just that I have days when I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

The Moon, The Stars and My Heart.

2008-09-09T01:13:00.006-03:00

This is my first day with my new blog... I guess I should go over why I'm starting to write it. I have a son who will soon be turning 3, when he was born he was perfect to his father and I but we soon started to realize that things aren't always as they seem.

You see when our son was a few weeks old we noticed that he wasn't focused on us. He would just sort of stare off into space, being new parents we didn't think anything of it.
We went to our doctors with our concerns and were told to take him for hearing tests you see our son could speak and loves to watch TV but when it comes time to interact with other people or answer to his name forget about it. So one of his Dr's told me to take him by the face when I wanted him to listen to me. Some how grabbing him by the face didn't seem like something you have to do with a "normal" child.

Well we decided that at 2.5 years of age we had enough of taking him from here to there and wanted to see a pediatrician for our son. I had to fight with his GP to get him a re feral but I got it and with in 1 hour the Doctor told me what I had known for a very long time.

My son is Autistic.

This is not the family that I signed up for, but it is the family that I was given. I also know that I was given this family for a reason, that reason has yet to be determined but the love for my son and his father has hung the moon for me and they have both captured my heart.