From the start I worried.

From the very start I have worried. Worried that you weren't growing well when I was pregnant. Worried because of a single umbilical vessel that could lead to so many problems. I was worried that you would come early and you did. I worried when they told me you had jaundice and were tongue tied and we would have to say in the hospital for 5 days.

I worried when we got home from the hospital to find out that we had to move in 2 weeks. And then we ended up living with my parents for 6 weeks. I worried because you didn't cry for food but growled and then you would shake for no reason. They told me it was because you didn't have time to fully develop your nervous system and it would go away with time and it did. I was scared to death when at 8 months old you had the chicken pox and didn't cry. I worried every time we would go out and you would stare up at the fans or the lights in the ceiling. I worried when you didn't start to talk on time. But you did learn to crawl and walk on time so I didn't worry then or when you would eat everything that I gave you.

I nearly lost my mind when at 14 month you had to have surgery for a hydracyle repair. When you weren't talking or looking at me when I called you by name I was going through a new worry. Then I started to talk to people, and I knew that this wasn't right at all. That is when we did the hearing test and no you weren't deaf. Then I knew for sure what was wrong but really didn't want to admit it to myself. Autism.

Then we were on to an entire new set of worries. Would you ever talk? Would you ever learn to sleep alone? Would you ever learn to use the bathroom? Would you ever... be able to live on your own?

Then we get the first initial diagnosis Autism... but right at this time we were worried because just 2 months before your 3rd birthday and 3 days after this news you ended up in the hospital because of cold sores. We were there for a week and had to deal with pain, dehydration and you not eating. If you didn't start to eat then you would have a feeding tube. Thank goodness for goldfish crackers they saved us from that. Now we worry because you only eat a few things and not enough.

We had to wait to get the formal diagnosis, 8 long months. Then speech therapy, Early Intensive behavior interventions and more colds and flu than we can shake a stick at. Now you have a chipped tooth from mouthing... you have an irrational fear of going to the dentist, doctor, small children, sounds of small children and birds.

Life as we know it will never be the same, yes I knew that I would worry when I was pregnant with you... Now I worry every day FOR you.