A storm is coming

And I don't just mean the one that is forecast for tomorrow. I mean the one that is going to happen in this apartment. The beans dad and I are heading in a direction that's not really good. We had our first really bad fight the other night. It's been a long time since we had one. Basically we both told each other where the door was if the other wasn't happy. I'm not leaving, he can go if he wants but he will not be taking MY son. So right now we are staying put. But if things don't change and I mean really change, he can go.

See we have been together now for 12 years, we are NOT married and we never will be. This way it's less paper work if I decided I want to leave. He will have to always pay for his son he won't get away from that. But I need a partner that is going to help me raise my son not just growl at him because he's not doing what he thinks that he should.

I don't think that it helps that we have been sick for 2 weeks and the job interview that he went on didn't pan out. I know that he's under stress about that but if he would have listened to me months ago and started to look for work instead of riding out his unemployment enjoyment we wouldn't be in this mess.

Ah life what to do?
One of these days I might just be able to figure it out.
But right now... Life Sucks... Tomorrow has to be better.

Ugggg...

So here we are it's a new year and I'm still dealing with the old crap. No matter what I do I will always be on the outs with someone. I have a habit of pissing people off without even trying. Take this one for an example. I missed my dad's birthday due to the fact that little man was up at 4 am and stayed up for the entire day. He was cranky, I was cranky and I know that meltdowns would be all over the place. People who don't live with a child with ASD have no idea what it is like. I can tell you but until you live in my apartment and are woken up by a child crying and you don't know why then you don't know.

I have been told that I am ungrateful because of all the things that my parents do for me. The very least that I could do was show up at a birthday dinner. It's not like we don't do this once or more a freaking month. I really can't take much more from that front.

To top it off Bean's dad is still looking for work and he will soon be out of Unemploment Insurance which leaves us screwed. He's gone on interviews but no call backs. All I can do is hope and pray that something will happen soon or god help me I'm going to have to do something that I never wanted to do.

Why is it that some people can fall in a pile of shit and come out smelling like a rose, and I fall in it and almost choke to death on the peanuts?

The Old, The New and the WTF?

So where do I start?
The old... we are potty training again which has been going pretty good over the past week. We haven't had any accidents and I haven't been using the reward system. I don't like doing that with the bean just because he become dependent on it and I have to break that habit as well. Which in turn drives me half outta my mind. My goal for him is to be trained by Christmas. If we make it that will be his Christmas gift to me. I just want to see him succeed at the training. He's 5 now and if he has to wear pull ups at night I can live with that. It's just having to change him when we are out in public and I don't want him to start school next year in a pull up. He has a hard enough road with ASD he doesn't need to be the kid in the diaper too.

The New... Today we went for a walk and it's pretty windy out so The Bean was in his winter coat and boots. As soon as we came through the door he took off his coat, boots and socks. I was in the kitchen getting lunch ready and the next thing I know he has all of his clothes off and is wiggling outta the pull up. He brought it to me and I threw it away, but I had to con him into putting on some under wear. That has been the big fight with him lately to put the underwear on. Thankfully I had his favorite snack in the house and he really wanted it so on went the underwear. 5 hours later they are still on.

The WTF?... We have one of the strangest behaviors yet to deal with now. When The Bean watches a program for the first time it's no problem at all but the second and third he knows where the parts of the movie are that he doesn't like so he puts his hands over his ears and hums so he doesn't have to hear them. I have been putting them on mute just to see if he notices or not. Sometime he does and others no. I don't know what to do with this at all and the helpful "team" of people that we have doesn't either. I just wish that someone could tell me what to do and it would work with him. But because all kids are different we have to just keep trying.

This also fall under the we can't go to the grocery store, walmart or any other place where there will be a large amount of children or I will be dealing with a full on melt down which leaves me so frazzled that I forget what I'm there for. When he hears another child yell he meltsdown and that even happens with his playgroup. Twice a week he will scream and be upset for 2 hours, I can't do anything to help because I'm on the other side of the 2 way mirror and I have to watch while the "professionals" work with my child.

It hurts like hell that I can't make this better for him and I can't protect him from the one thing that makes him hurt the most.

It breaks my heart knowing that for the rest of his life things are going to be so hard for him. Our Normal isn't the same as others and when The Bean is with me and so is my mum and he starts with the meltdown she trys to reason with him. It doesn't work, you really would be better off talking to the wall but she tries.

My life is crazy, and stressful but any one with kids knows what I'm talking about.

Rain... still

It's been raining for 5 days now, and I think that the Bean is going shack wacky. I did manage to get him out for a little drive yesterday with my mum. But that was only for about 45 mins. He heard a child yelling when we were at the grocery store so of course he wanted to come home with his daddy where it is safe. I know that one of these days I will be able to take him out without the melt downs that happen now.

The only thing about being locked in for so long is that I don't get out for my walk, which isn't good because of having diabetes I need to excersise. I really miss it when I can't do it. The weather person said that we should see some clearing by Thursday.

The Bean won't be happy tomorrow as he goes back to school. Well Preschool for special needs. I really have a hard time with him not wanting to go. But I make him go and that makes me the bad one but I know that by pushing ones of these days it will pay off.

I think that I will have him help me with the laundry soon. I am waiting for a delivery, test strips for my diabetes. Long story, I answered what I thought would be another solicitor phone call on Friday only to have it be the people that make my blood testing monitor. Well after doing a survey I told the lady that my strips had stopped working 10 days before they were to expire. So after talking to a tech we fixed the monitor and they are sending me out some test strips free. I just have to wait for them to get here today.

Well the daddy got another call about work, he just has to call them back and see what it's about. Really I don't think that he want's to go back to work at all but he has too and I would really like to go to work as well but I'm not sure how I'm suppose to work around the bean's schedule. One of these day's I will figure it out.

It's Raining... again.

So we have been having heavy rain now for 2 days straight and from what I understand the rest of the weekend as well. That means that I have to find something for the bean to do today. He's stuck in this rut as bad as I am. His daddy is taking another nap! Which is normal for him to do everyday. Since being laid off over a year ago he's gotten into his own rut. Which he needs to get out of soon.

The bean hasn't been out side to play for a couple of days so now he's starting to go shack wacky. I might have him help me do some laundry just so he can run up and down the hallways.

He doesn't know that he's going back to "school" next week but every day he says at the least No School today to which we answer NOPE!

We have only been up 5 hours and have had at least 3 fights, potty time, breakfast and what to play.

I'm sure by the end of the day we will have fought 10 more times.

Oh well such is the life of a child with ASD!

In a rut...

It seems like we have fallen into a rut around here. Since I pulled The Bean outta preschool twice a week because of the last major meltdown/panic attack he had we have been doing the same thing day in and day out. It's normal for Autistic's to want to follow the same patterns over and over but it sometimes becomes too much.

We go through the same thing with food, that is when he wants to eat. He used to take his one a day vitamin no problem now he's fighting me about it every day. So what are we doing taking a break for now and starting again next week.

It seems like everything is one step forward and 5 steps back. But all we can do is keep trying to move forward we will get where we are going sometime.

So next week we will be going back to preschool so we can get outta this rut, I know that we will be having melt downs and fits. I have a plan for that, it seems like I've made more plans in the past few years so we know what to do. Like not making the bean wait around for things to begin and when he gets there to have him engaged in something so we don't have to deal with the meltdown that will come.

I keep telling myself that one of these days life will become some what easier. I hope.

But then all I have is Hope and as long as I have hope I know that I can deal with the rut.